Bare Root Review::Spring 2006

At sixteen, Spencer hardly understood sacrifices and selflessness, but Maggie made sure that he knew. She idolized him, raising him up to the sky, giving Spencer every opportunity to fail. And he did almost every time. Guilt was not just a word in Spencer’s vocabulary; it was his way of life.

Today Spencer sits on a couch in his family’s garage, where his father used to spend time, but now the place sits empty. Daniel Thomas owns a bar across town from his home making time to stop in and shower and check the mail. He used to play catch with Spencer or take him fishing. Now Spencer hasn’t seen his father for more than a few minutes in five years. As Spencer readies another joint to pass to a friend, he thinks about his father. He wishes that things could change. But he takes a drag and holds it in, causing the feeling of weightlessness and carelessness to hold onto those thoughts, and disappear with the prolonged exhale. This is how every night ends. Spencer and some classmates gather near the back of the garage, knowing Spencer’s father will not come home and find them. They gather and smoke and drink, listen to low music and forget. Spencer leans back, nestling into the plush velvet couch and forgets to go back into the house.

Spencer wakes to Harry licking his hand. The dog got high last night too and now he is whining to go out. The dawn brings reality back into focus. “Fuck. I’m gonna be late. Again.” He jumps off the couch, letting the dog out and hoping his mother is still in her room. Silently, he creeps through the kitchen to his upstairs bedroom, grabbing some clean clothes from his bed and sliding into the bathroom, unnoticed. Immediately, Maggie is there at the door.

“Spencer? Hurry or we’ll be late again.” Maggie sighs, heading down the stairs and into the kitchen. She never wanted Spencer to avoid her like he does. Daniel couldn’t get enough of them, especially Spencer. But Spencer was hers; she was the one who went through the tests and the crushing realization that she might not be able to have kids. She spent too many afternoons in the doctor’s office alone getting hormone shots and being fertilized by someone else’s sperm. Maggie sat and cried when time after time, the doctor’s informed her that she wasn’t pregnant. Not yet. Maggie lay on the bathroom floor the morning she woke up surrounded by blood in bed, a miscarriage. She finally realized the joy of being a mother, being able to breastfeed your only son alone in a recovery room.

Maggie wants to get rid of Daniel, keeping Spencer all for her, but Daniel will be his own demise, if she only lets him be. Daniel works himself to death. Maggie smiles, knowing that soon, she and Spencer will be all alone. She pours some organic orange juice and grabs a banana for Spencer to eat on their way to school.

Daniel wakes at the sound of his cell phone alarm clock. He has it set everyday for nine, and today he finds himself in his running car in the parking lot of his bar. He can’t remember how he got here last night, thinking maybe the bartender Jimmy brought him out after closing. He drives home. Daniel takes a shower, grabs something for breakfast and then he drives back to work. Today he thinks about Maggie. Maggie before Spencer. Maggie before they got married. Sweet, pretty Maggie. Sexy Maggie with black hair and a red dress. That was so long ago. Daniel’s cell rings and there is Maggie on the line. Maggie screaming at him to get down to the school. Something happened with Spencer.

It’s not like Spencer wanted to get caught. He just didn’t know how not to get caught. He sat in his desk during Geometry, ignoring the teacher, thinking about Angela Petersen. Pretty Angela who lived next door and let him kiss her in the back yard under the evergreen tree. He had some pot in his pocket because he owed a friend, and it just happened to fall out onto the thin carpet of Room 22. And because he was thinking of Angela, he didn’t see or hear the baggie hit the floor. So when Mr. Dyson walked down his aisle, handing back some homework, he saw the baggie, and before Spencer knew what was happening, he found himself in the principal’s office next to his crying mother and silent father. Now he sits and hangs his head as his mother drives him home and his father drives to his bar, late for his morning register printouts.

“Spencer, how could you do this to me? After all I did to have you. After all the pain and trouble I went through. I made you! How can you do this to your body? This is not acceptable. I love you too much to let you throw your life away.”

Spencer sits quietly listening. He has heard it all before. He heard it when he needed stitches after a bike accident and when he broke his leg once, jumping out of the evergreen in the backyard. Now he wants another baggie to make this all go away. “Sorry, Mom.”

Angela stands beneath the streetlight, waiting for Spencer. When he is there, they embrace. Angela looks up at Spencer whose chin stops at the top of Angela’s head. The two sneak into the backyard, and under the evergreen they kiss. “What happened today, Spence?”

“Today I got caught with pot, and suspended from school.” The back porch light shines through the tree limbs, illuminating spots of Spencer’s shirt and Angela’s hair. “I just can’t take it anymore. My mom is so weird. She’s not like any other mother I have ever met. I really don’t know what to do. I just wish I could talk to her.” Spencer stares at nothing, trying not to look at Angela. But she forces Spencer to look at her, puts her hand on his face and pulls his eyes to hers.

Daniel sits at the end of the bar smoking a cigarette. He has been working all day. That afternoon he stared at final notices and late bills from various collectors. Soon he will lose his bar. He has already lost his family. He opens his wallet and looks at a photo of Maggie and Spencer at the beach. Spencer is only six and Maggie holds onto him tight, laughing. Dan lays his head on the bar with exhaustion. He sings along with the jukebox as it plays, “Oh, Maggie I wish I’d never seen your face…”

Spencer sneaks back into the house and into the bathroom. He looks at himself in the mirror. In the medicine cabinet, he takes three pills from a prescription bottle and then Spencer goes to bed. On his way to his room, he hears his mother talking in her room.

Maggie caresses the pictures of Spencer. Spencer and Mommy, Spencer at the beach, Spencer dressed for church. Beautiful Spencer with Maggie’s looks and Daniel’s addictive personality. Here is a picture of Spencer with a broken arm after he jumped off the roof because he was trying to fly. Maggie snatches the picture out of the album and throws it away. She wonders who put that picture there and who the photographer was.

There are no pictures of Spencer with Daniel because he always took the pictures. She turns the page again, smiling. Another page and a picture of Spencer in the hospital after taking his bike down a rocky trail. He broke his leg and had stitches for that stunt. His face is purple and blue, and he seems to be sad. She grabs the picture out and shuts the book. Tearing the picture in half, she throws it in the fireplace.

The next day, Spencer is on the roof in the morning smoking a joint. His parents are down in the kitchen yelling about Spencer. But he can’t hear them now, between the music from his headphones and the effects of marijuana, Spencer is dead to the world. Harry lies on the bedroom floor beneath the window, waiting for Spencer to come inside.

In the afternoon, Spencer tries to talk to his father. Afternoons are usually bad for Daniel, better to catch him in the morning, before he becomes involved with work.

“Dad?”

“Spence, I’m real busy right now. Talk later, okay?”

The bar is empty and Jimmy has gone in back for a minute. Spencer watches his father walk away, takes his father’s keys and grabs a bottle of vodka from the bottom shelf behind the bar. He calls Angela from the car. Together they drive away from the town, stopping finally at a small lake. They lay a blanket on the ground and lay down together. Drinking from the bottle, they stare at the sky and watch the sun set. As dusk settles, they begin to kiss.

They drink some more. Spencer pulls a baggie and papers from his pocket. They smoke and begin to kiss again. Because it is warm and Angela is wearing a low-cut shirt with thin straps, Spencer can see what is underneath. They smoke again. They are both excited. They take their shirts off and stare, taking it all in. Spence breaths in her smell, her hair smells like flowers. He takes off her shorts and she helps him with his. They lay together in underwear. Because together they drank half a bottle of vodka, Spencer can hardly see her face. But he stares at her anyway; he remembers her dark eyes and thin lips. He pulls down her underwear, soft, light-colored cotton. She is high and giggles as he moves his hand up the inside of her thigh. But once he is there, he doesn’t know what to do. Pretty Angela who follows the rules and loves him.

Maggie finds Daniel in the kitchen, sitting at the table. This is unusual for Daniel, because he is generally not home until morning. “Daniel? What are you doing here?” She asks, slightly unnerved by his expression. And he has a gun in his hand.

“Maggie, I am tired of this situation. What you do to Spence makes me upset, but I don’t know what to do.”

“There is nothing for you to do, but leave. You are not a good influence on Spencer. He needs a real man. You are nothing but a workaholic.” Maggie’s eyes are dark, darker than usual. Daniel looks at her, getting up from the table. He walks over to her, grabs her arm. He knows that Maggie sleeps in very little, the robe is a lie. Beneath the heavy flannel robe is a t-shirt from the Rolling Stones concert June of 1976. Daniel brought her there when they were fresh from school, just kids really. She loves that shirt and has worn it every night since then. His right hand drops below the tie that holds the edges of the robe together, running that cold black steel up the inner part of Maggie’s thigh. Maggie’s eyes turn on Daniel and she pulls her hand back to slap him, but he is too quick and catches her hand in the act.

“No, no Maggie. That’s not nice.”

Pushing Maggie to the floor, he spreads her legs. Though she is struggling, she doesn’t scream. He finds that spot, the one he can see in his dream. Tearing open the robe, and ripping the shirt up the middle without effort, he places his hand on the warm spot between Maggie’s breasts. It is solid but soft to the touch. He loves that spot. For a moment he tries to lay his head there, but she tries to slap him again, fighting to get out from under him. He puts the gun to her head and cocks it, just to scare her. She becomes still.

Daniel is there, he is ready to go. With his body weight, he holds her down, his hand reaches inside her. She fights less, the motion pleasing her as well as him. This is Maggie. Her face contorts and there is no fighting now. She wraps her legs around him and digs her modest nails into his back. He is fucking her hard and by the time it is over, she is screaming his name.

Now Daniel backs away from her, to the other side of the kitchen. As he stares, she is smiling because she knows she has won, again. Daniel meant to scare her, to hurt her. But he couldn’t hurt her with sex.

“Did you think one fuck would fix us, Dan?”

Daniel wanted to change things, but Maggie will never change. He gets up and storms out of the kitchen, making certain Maggie cannot see him cry. She has her eyes closed anyway, laughing at his attempt.

“Please slow down, Spencer. I love you; I don’t care about what happened.” Spencer is driving through the quiet countryside. He can’t believe that he couldn’t do it. What kind of man is he? And Angela there, so beautiful, naked in the moonlight. His mother is right. He is a worthless failure. The gravel roads are a blur beneath them, and Angela is crying. But Spencer is alone. He just wants to die. Angela reaches out to him, touching his face and Spencer snaps out. His foot releases from the gas pedal and he turns to her, just as the road curves. Pretty Angela who loves him.

In the hospital, Spencer can hear his mother crying. How did he get here? Spencer can’t move. Where is Angela? Someone is touching his hand. Angela maybe. He wills his eyes to open, and he sees that it is not Angela, but his mother. His father is there, too. “What happened?” He asks, looking at his mother. Maggie is crying because Spencer has ruined his life. He has ruined Maggie’s perfect boy. “Where’s Angela?” He asks, looking at his father. His father’s eyes are red, not from exhaustion but from crying, and he can’t look at Spencer. “Where’s Angela?”

Spencer sits in a wheelchair, smoking a cigarette, while his father brings boxes out to his car. A family bought the bar, and plans to turn it into a bakery. A family bakery. Spencer can’t feel his legs. His father finally stopped working and they are moving away.

Spencer drives with special handles they had put into his car. He drives to the cemetery. When he is there, he talks to Angela, because the cemetery is her new home. He asked his father to plant a miniature evergreen tree next to Angela’s home. “How do you like the new tree, Angela?” Spencer loves Angela.

At home, Spencer is alone. He reaches to the top shelf of the cabinet in the bathroom, grabbing a bottle of pills. Next to the bottle of pills, his father’s razor sits. It’s blue and the blade shines silver sharp. He grabs the razor and sets it on the sink. He imagines what it would feel like, just to feel something in his legs. Feeling anything, pain, is better than now which is feeling nothing. He slices through the tender skin on his upper thigh. Deep and long, he wants to feel his leg but he knows he can’t feel his leg. The blood runs down, behind his knee, over his sock and stains the bathroom carpet. He knows his leg is alive because it bleeds and that makes him feel better.